Drugs. Drugs! Drugs?

About a month ago I found an article documenting abnormal dopamine levels in the brains of people with binge eating disorder and it made a big difference in how I view myself. It helped me to understand that having an eating disorder is not an sign of weakness but is an actual mental illness. There is something wrong in my brain. I am not weak. I have a real medical problem.

Along with needing to know how much damage I have done to my body the other reason I initially went to the doctor was the thought:

if there is something wrong with the dopamine levels 

in my brain then does there exist a drug to fix it? 

This is the first time I have voiced that thought. I went to see a doctor for her medical opinion and not to ask for drugs.

I had my follow up meeting with the doctor today and received good news: I am relatively healthy. My vitamin B levels are a little low but other than that (and a few physiological symptoms) I have not hurt my body too badly.

After reporting this she asked if I wanted to supplement my treatment plan with drugs. (Right now my treatment plan involves counseling and blogging only). After we talked about what I can expect the drugs to help me with and the possible side effects I said YES.

Don't get me wrong there is not a magical drug out there to cure eating disorders. However, this drug will take the edge off of my obsessive thoughts and will therefore allow me focus on setting up healthier eating plans and habits. It will buy me some time to allow my focus to be on getting better and not just on preventing (or minimizing) the next 'incident'.

Part of me feels like I am taking the easy way out. I feel like I am cheating; like it won't count as a 'real' recovery if I don't win every battle via pure bare-knuckle boxing.

What will it say about my mental strength, 

will power and determination if I cheat? 

The only answer I could come up with is "who the f--- cares as long as I recover". 

What are your thoughts about treating eating disorders with drugs? 

Have you used drugs as part of your recovery plan? If so, what was your experience like?

Right now my biggest concern is how or if they will affect my parenting. 

My daughter shouldn't have to (nor will she) pay a price from my recovery.

I would love to hear your stories, warnings and ideas. 

Sick Enough

I often feel like I'm not sick enough; like things have gotten all blown out of proportion and my disordered relationship with food isn't all that bad. And if it's not that bad then I don't need to recover because there is nothing to recover from.

I was slow to seek help because I never felt like I had a real problem; at my worst I felt like I was failing at having an eating disorder.  I still feel this way:

I am failing at having an eating disorder.  

When I told this to my doctor she actually laughed out loud. Not in a rude way but in a
that-comment-caught-me-off-guard-because-you-can-not-fail-at-having-an-eating-disorder,-the-very-idea-of-that-is-crazy type of way.

I am not anorexic and I do not meet the criteria to be classified as bulimic. I am a prime example of someone with EDNOS (Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified). A 'catch all' phrase often used to classify those of us who aren't sick enough yet to have a label all our own. I've seen it described as the term for someone who, if left untreated, will most likely develop a more serious eating disorder with a "proper label" but I feel like this label (EDNOS) is true to the wide assortment of symptoms that people can display. It represents the wide spectrum of what disordered eating can be.

Moreover, it allows me to cling to my belief that I'm not that sick, that things have somehow just been blown out of proportion and I'm not really THAT GIRL.

This belief was broken down a little bit when I read on the F.E.A.S.T. website that

  EDNOS symptoms can be more lethal than those associated with 

anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. 

Wow! What a wake up call. This is real. I am lucky that my body has been able to handle the abuse I've handed it. I am lucky that I found help when I did.

I am officially done arguing with myself about whether or not I have a problem. I am officially done feeling like an outsider from the ED world. I do belong in such groups. My opinions on eating disorders matter. I am sick enough.


Please don't misunderstand this post. It's not about comparing and a twisted game of "You're sicker than me". It's about me trying to convince myself that I do have a problem and the voice in my head that's telling me to just stop treatment and return to 'normal' life is wrong.

Who is 'That Girl'?

Most people have some sort of assumption about what type of person has an eating disorder. I think it's partly a way to protect ourselves. There is a 'them' and an 'us'. We are not like 'them'; this makes us feel safe and to some degree lucky. We can sympathies with, support and love them but they are not like us.

As a member of society my heart hurts for 'those' girls. We see eating disorders portrayed in television and movies. We hear reports about actresses who suffer from them. The terminology has become part of everyday conversations and facebook status updates. Before I found out that I am 'that girl' this is what I thought about her:

A person with an eating disorder is weak and stupid. She would have to be in order to continually harm her body that way. She has an unbelievably low self-esteem. She is one of those girls who is continually (and often annoyingly) looking for praise and complements. When she gets them she often argues or disagrees with them. She is fragile, pathetic, insecure and selfish.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to think about how wrong I was.

This is not how I would describe myself.

This is no longer how I would describe any one with an eating disorder.

This is what is keeping me silent. 
I have no idea what my loved ones preconceptions about eating disorders are and I can't bare to think that they might be as wrong as I was. I can't bare to think that they might feel this way about me. Or even worse they might not believe that I have a problem because I do not fit their preconceived notions of who 'that girl' should be.

On the Record

For the record I went to see an MD about my condition yesterday and now it's officially part of my medical record. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. Now anyone who picks up my file has access to judge me.

Part of me heard her: she said that she was really proud of me for taking such steps to recover and that an eating disorder is nothing to be ashamed of, there is something physically wrong in my brain, the neurotransmitters don't fire correctly. In an attempt to make me feel better she also mentioned that I wouldn't criticize someone because they had cancer, which is true but I don't feel like an eating disorder is not comparable to cancer. It feels more like a cross bread of herpes and schizophrenia - you didn't purposely get it but it's embarrassing and fraught with social stigma. You can hide it from most people but once they know they will always treat you differently from that point on. You can treat the symptoms, reducing their likelihood and frequency but you'll never be truly cured.


The reason I finally saw a doctor is that I learned (via this Questionnaire) that my unexplained health problems (the one's that have taken me to six different doctors (of three different specialties) in the last 8 months) may be a result of my eating disorder. Moreover, some of the things and traits that I had just accepted about myself may also be a result of it. It's scary to think how sick I have made myself without having a clue - I knew I had a bad relationship with food but I didn't see it as a problem because look at our society - it's clear that many people have bad relationships with food. However, mine apparently goes beyond the 'normal' bad relationship with food.

I am actually hurting myself and that knowledge was enough to get me over my fear of talking to a doctor. I needed to know how much damage I have actually done.