Friday, April 15, 2011

Glimmer of Hope

I love moments like I had this morning. Moments when I feel like myself. Moments when the core of my being is at peace and I feel like I have fully recovered. When I think about my eating disorder in moments like these I can barely imagine how I ever could end up in that dark place of bingeing and purging again. These moments are fleeting but they give me hope as to why I'm fighting so hard to recover. Eventually, one day, all my moments will be like this.

This is in stark contrasts to how I've been feeling the last few days when the fight did not seem worth it at all! I was caught in the thought pattern of 'my eating disorder is not that bad', 'the physical health consequences are not that severe' (yet), fighting this is SO fucking hard, I was happier before when I wasn't fighting, I was happier when I just let the 'incidences' happen and if the goal of recovery is to be happy then shouldn't I just stop fighting it and let myself be happy like I once was, happier than I am now'.

I wish I could find a magic button that would allow me to switch between these two types of extremes. I don't understand how some days the voice of my disorder can be so quite when just hours before it was screaming at me.

1 comment:

  1. I should of recognized the signs! Sometimes when I'm feeling at my best (and I'm not fighting with this disorder) I find myself deep in a binge. I forgot for a few hours to argue with myself about what will or wont go into my mouth and the voice in my head responded with 'put everything in!' and I was feeling so good I didn't have the heart to ruin that feeling by arguing with her. I want to purge so badly right now and the only reason I can think of for not doing it is how much hurting myself hurts the people who love me, even through they don't know about it. I'm going to go to a yoga class instead. Wish me luck!