Envy

I know eating disorders are a serious illness that people die from every day. I do not want to be sick! I don't want to have an eating disorder!

But if I have to have one can't I have a better one? I look at media images of women suffering from anorexia and although I don't want to be that thin or that sick, a small part of me envies them. If only I had the type of control that they did. If I'm going to be sick can't I be sick like that? If only my recovery could include eating.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) you can't pick your illnesses. But if I have to have this one then can't I at least be sick enough that I can get real help? If I could just be better at having an eating disorder then people would notice and I could get more help! I could put my life on hold and focus full time on my recovery. If I was sick enough then people would be more understanding when they found out the truth, I wouldn't need to defend my illness to them.

I look at the requirements to be medically labeled as bulimic; the thought of being that sick scares me and I my heart hurts for people who suffer like that but a small part of me envies them. They are successful at having an eating disorder and because of that success they can seek help.

I know logically that envying (even just a little bit) the girls that are sicker than me is part of my illness and will need to be one of the things I get rid of/change about myself as I recover.