Quick Update

I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing okay. I am under a lot of stress right now and taking the time and energy to battle my disorder is really wearing on the rest of my life. However, I will not let this be an excuse to stop the fight. I will triumph over this illness. In the mean time the stress is making me physically sick and I'm not sure if this is a step forward or backwards in my recovery.

It was nice to meet with my councilor today because she reminded me of how far I've come. I am slowly getting better. 

We also talked about a letter that she asked me to write. It is a letter to the voice inside my head, the voice of my eating disorder. I would like to type more about the epiphany's I had while writing it but I do not have the time right now. You can look for more on this subject to come. 

How did I not know?

Part of me must have known that I had a problem but the voice inside my head, the voice that I thought was my own, was so logical that I couldn't argue. It would say things like

You can't have a problem, you're not small enough or 

large enough or sick enough. No one will believe you. 

You don't want to be obese. Did you see what you just ate?

You deserve to be punished.

You're just an emotional eater. There is nothing 

wrong with you, lots of people are this way. 

I was fortunate that before I got sick enough to need medical intervention I happened to be in counseling for another reason and as that reason for counseling was coming to an end I mentioned how I feel about food and my fear of having an eating disorder and something purely amazing happened:

She believed me! 

Thinking about and typing that right now brought tears to my eyes. I really do have a problem, I am sick, I am getting help and I am going to recover.