Dear Self. You are not hungry please stop eating!

but on a positive note I am not eating food I'm allergic to

Temptation

I was driving home from yet another out of town business meeting yesterday, which created the perfect situation for an 'incident'. I was alone (no one could judge me and I could hide all evidence), I was bored and I was tempted. There was nothing preventing me from stopping at any number of convenience stores and eating everything. As a matter of fact, so the store clerk didn't think I was a pig, I could stop at many stores and just buy slightly too much at each (a 'trick' that I have used in the past to save face). As the epic battle between relapse and recovery ragged on in my head I managed to drive past every single store! and the thing that distracted me enough to keep driving was thinking about the Tea Party song Temptation.

You can listen to it here: Temptation

With the exception of one line ('Shaking as her sex takes hold')  this song perfectly describes my disorder.

What makes recovery so hard is that temptation is right in front of me all the time. Recognizing that 'temptation will never let me down' is helping prepare me for battles. Temptation wont change. It will always be there. So instead I must change. I must be ready to fight temptation at any given moment.

Seriously though, look at these lyrics, this is my life, this is my battle:

Driven by restrained desire
I want what I need

I've lost all control

Drowning in a sea of rage
I taste the embrace
Helpless as it steals my soul
I've lost all control

Temptation
It never lets me down
Temptation
One foot in the ground

We exist in a world where the fear of
Iillusion is real
And we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal

Destined by a fate so cruel
And drugged to delight
Laughing as these lies unfold
I've lost all control


Temptation
You satisfy my soul

*NOTE: The above is not the entire lyrics of the song. They are just the lyrics that I found most relevant to me. 

Chips For Breakfast

I was out of town for a few days last week for some business meetings and I was lucky enough to have friends who let me stay with them. Staying with friends however means that you're not allowed to be on 'just' a business trip. On Friday morning, after a few hours sleep, I woke up slightly hungover. Due to poor planing, being allergic to dairy and the fact that it was not at my house left me with literally nothing to eat for breakfast, which is the most important meal of the day (especially if you're trying not to get or stay fat).

Given that I was running very short on time, my only option was to stop at the grocery store beside the train station on the way to my meeting. A perfect recipe for failure!

I was hungry, hung over and in a hurry - Not the best time to be making good food choices.

I found myself in the chip aisle, with blackberries and a sesame snap already in my basket, staring 63-ish grams of tasty uncontrollable chip consumption in the face (and once I've eaten a whole bag of chips, what's to keep me from eat . . . . . . . and into the downward spiral I go). To make it worse, have you ever read the contents on a bag of chips? It is really hard to find ones without dairy. But like I said, I was hungry, hung over and in a hurry, my self control was at an all time low!

Then I surprised myself by walking by the 'late night cheeseburger' flavoured doritos and putting down the 'cheddar cheese & sour cream' flavoured baked chips (yes I actually picked them up and held them in my hand). I picked up the (completely dairy free) ketchup flavoured baked chips and ate them in moderation on the train ride. I knew they would all be gone before the day was over but I took great comfort in the fact that I was not allergic to them (i.e. eating them would not cause me physical pain) and the entire large bag contained a comparable amount of fat to a single serve bag of regular chips.

Today I won despite setting myself up for failure.

I am proud of myself!

Small Thank-you

In the last few days I have been emotionally and physically recovering from a binge episode. I am so over the 10lbs conundrum and am very glad that I wrote those feelings down so that I can remind myself that I did, at some point, actually feel that way. At this very moment I am okay. I am working hard at identifying what triggers or is likely to trigger an episode and I am doing my best to stay away from, or at least be prepared for, them.

I just wanted to say a big thank you to all the people who have taken the time to read this blog. Knowing that you are participating in my journey with me by reading this journal motivates me to keep taking steps toward recovery. You inspire me to reach harder for successes so that I may have something positive to share with you.

Thank you!

On the Record

For the record I went to see an MD about my condition yesterday and now it's officially part of my medical record. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. Now anyone who picks up my file has access to judge me.

Part of me heard her: she said that she was really proud of me for taking such steps to recover and that an eating disorder is nothing to be ashamed of, there is something physically wrong in my brain, the neurotransmitters don't fire correctly. In an attempt to make me feel better she also mentioned that I wouldn't criticize someone because they had cancer, which is true but I don't feel like an eating disorder is not comparable to cancer. It feels more like a cross bread of herpes and schizophrenia - you didn't purposely get it but it's embarrassing and fraught with social stigma. You can hide it from most people but once they know they will always treat you differently from that point on. You can treat the symptoms, reducing their likelihood and frequency but you'll never be truly cured.


The reason I finally saw a doctor is that I learned (via this Questionnaire) that my unexplained health problems (the one's that have taken me to six different doctors (of three different specialties) in the last 8 months) may be a result of my eating disorder. Moreover, some of the things and traits that I had just accepted about myself may also be a result of it. It's scary to think how sick I have made myself without having a clue - I knew I had a bad relationship with food but I didn't see it as a problem because look at our society - it's clear that many people have bad relationships with food. However, mine apparently goes beyond the 'normal' bad relationship with food.

I am actually hurting myself and that knowledge was enough to get me over my fear of talking to a doctor. I needed to know how much damage I have actually done.

Now What?

Alright I've come to terms with it: I have an eating disorder. Now what?

Initially the thought of recovery made me sick to my stomach. I could only think of all the positive things that this 'voice' in my head has done for me but now I see the truth and am ready to recover (alright, most days I see the truth and I'm already sick of this so I better get around to recovering). All I need to do is change how I think, what I think about, my eating patterns and habits, how I view the world and how I view myself. No problem! If only it was that easy.

I got angry at my boyfriend yesterday because since we found out that I have an actual problem (a real eating disorder - it's not just that I'm an emotional eater) I haven't been able to purge as often; now purging does more than just hurt me physically it also hurts him emotionally. Most days I am grateful to have this extra presence and awareness of my disorder in my life but some days I am angry that I can't just take refuge in the calmness of a purge. A purge wipes the slate clean, gives me a moment of emotional peace and lets me move forward away from a binge; it is the conclusion of a very bad thing, without the conclusion where does that leave me?

He uses words like 'just don't do it' to illustrate that even though he loves me more than anything he just doesn't understand what it's like. If it was as simple as 'just don't do it' then I wouldn't have a problem.

Which brings me back to my question: Now What?

The 10lbs Conundrum

You don't put on 10 lbs in less than 2 weeks in any type of healthy way.

The fact of the matter is that the non-disordered aspects of my life have needed a lot of my attention and energy recently. Thus, there has been no energy left over to fight with myself about food.

In researching eating disorders I have learned that people with binge eating as part of their symptoms typically binge in one of two ways

(a) Fast and Hard - 2 to 4 hours of complete all consuming power eating

or

(b) Long and Slow - days of prolonged (secret) overeating, sometime with periods of type (a) bingeing. 

I am unlucky enough to be inflicted with type (b) binge episodes. Lucky me!

I hope you never know what it's like to eat so far beyond being full that it hurts (and more than just that undo-your-top-button-after-dinner type of pain) or to be so disgusted at the amount of food you've consumed that you cry as you put more food into your mouth. It is unpleasant. 

To paraphrase something I read on another blog:

Fuck you and your two cookie binge.

Two cookies are not a binge. 

Anyways, that is not the point of this blog. The point is that not having the energy to fight myself out of this epic binge has had (so far) a 10lbs consequence and this 10lbs has had surprising consequences of it's own: 

There are parts of my body I like more at this weight. My breasts look fantastic (both with and without my everyday padded bra on). The slight amount of gain to my stomach has pulled the skin slightly tighter making my stomach look firmer. Moreover, all my clothes still fit and the gain hasn't done anything noteworthily 'bad'. The larger breasts actually make me look ever so thinner by creating a more defined curve. 

I, by no means, plan to stay at this weight but something amazing happened:

I finally see how my boyfriend can see me as beautiful at any (reasonable) weight I may be.